Adrenaline
by Touch of Gray
Summary: Seifer used to tell him that they were both on the road to Hell. Squall was just taking the detour. [Squall, one shot. Vaguely postgame.]


_written for dead pollen, who deserves much better._

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He was never a fighter, not really. He'd talk it out if talking it out would work, but growing up with Seifer didn't present many opportunities for pacifism. So he learned to fight back, because Seifer wouldn't let it go until someone was bleeding. That was their only rule - fight ends at first blood.

So, really, it was Squall who broke the rules in their fight before the SeeD test. Seifer's using magic was a jackass thing to do, sure, but perfectly legal. They'd always used whatever they could to beat the life out of each other, and magic was never off-limits, simply unknown. If Seifer had it, Seifer could use it. But when Seifer's blade landed, Squall should have stopped. The only exception to the rule was hits below the belt. Then, and only then, could you retaliate, assuming you could move.

Why did he retaliate then if he never had before? He usually lost the battles - that was part of it. Sick of being the loser, sick of being a joke, sick of everything and everyone trying to change him or make him open up... he lashed out. Sure. It's a good excuse, and that's what he told Seifer when the time came for apologies (which neither of them wanted, but when half of Garden gangs up on you, you don't have much choice.)

The truth, if he'd ever admit it, was that he wanted to _hurt_ Seifer. When he got into the fight, he was playing to lose, playing to be given a reason to attack that nobody would question, playing because he wanted to make Seifer bleed for once. Hatred was not an emotion Squall was used to, and he had no idea how to control it, so he let it take over. And the worst part about the whole thing is, he doesn't regret it.

Lashing out, tearing his blade into Seifer's face, blinded by blood and maybe tears - it felt good. It felt right to just - to just lose control.

That's why he never wanted to kill Seifer when he fought him, when he was under Ultimecia's influence. Not because he thought he was possessed (which he probably wasn't, because Seifer would never let something else control him. He isn't even sure Seifer can control himself), but because he knew what it felt like to wish you had the power to destroy everything. To wish you could lay waste to your surroundings, just because they were there.

He knew enough of hatred to know that it never lasts, and leaves you weak when it's gone. Not really regretful (he still thinks it was a good shot when he sliced Seifer's face in half, and will never say it wasn't), but empty. Lost.

Fire burns itself up, leaving nothing but ashes and smoke. That's the risk in acting on impulse. It feels great when you're attacking, when you're tearing someone's face open because you want to see them bleed, but when it's over, you're still just as bloody and bruised and angry. Hatred doesn't solve anything, really. It isn't enough to hate someone, and it isn't enough to make them pay for whatever they did to piss you off. It won't make it go away, and it won't make them beg forgiveness. It'll just piss them off more.

Seifer knows, somehow, that Squall fought back because he wanted to, not because he had to. Seifer knows that Squall's got his own little cradle of demons riding his back to Hell. Seifer also knows that there's nothing he can do to change this. That's the one thing Squall really respects about Seifer. He knows when to let the matter drop.

The thing is, Seifer has the right to get revenge. He has every right to swear retribution and make Squall pay for giving him a facial scar. And it seems like something he would do, but he won't. Because Seifer probably wanted to cause Squall as much pain as possible that day, too.

He feels like a failure, though, for giving up control for precious few seconds of strength. Like he could have done something different and had a better ending. Like he might have been able to talk it out, but for the first time, he decided that he'd rather fight. He could have quit, really. He could have stopped himself and let Seifer half-drag him back to Garden, instead of crawling halfway back by himself, only to be found by a terrified cadet who didn't know anything about first aid. He could have let Seifer win, and probably wouldn't have lost any face. After all, he usually lost.

But not this time. He let in the black, because losing yourself to adrenaline is less painful than succumbing to weakness. At least when you're consumed with hatred, you're strong. That's the way Seifer lives his life. Seifer laughed at him, later, and told him shamelessly - "I would have done the same thing if it had been me, you know that?"

And he was right. He did the exact same thing Seifer would have done in the situation, threw everything he knew about self-control to the winds, and let his own hate rule him. It was fire under ice, and something had to give, right? It's impossible to stay collected when grappling with adrenaline. Rationalization. If he can give himself a reason, then there's no need to admit defeat.

Seifer told him once that all of his cold exterior were just delaying the inevitable. By never doing anything impulsive, he was letting it all build up, and he was going to snap someday. Seifer used to tell him that fighting back would never be enough - eventually, he'd have to give in to those primal instincts. He'd say it so mocking, like Squall was somehow inferior because he could control himself. It used to really tick him off, but he'd never throw the first punch, because Seifer was just trying to rile him, trying to make him so angry that he forgot who he was.

So, really, even though Squall had the last hit of the fight, Seifer won. He has a way of doing that, of dealing the cards in his favor, so that even if he loses, he wins. It's ironic that the only way Squall could ever defeat him was when Seifer had lost control - when it was Seifer who saw adrenaline-red miasma and couldn't stop his hate. Even though adrenaline is supposed to make people stronger, it really just made him fail.

Seifer used to tell him that they were both on the road to Hell - Squall was just taking the detour, with all of his containment and organization. He used to say that control never got anyone anywhere, and complete lack of reticence would go farther than any sort of order.

In a way, he was right - Seifer certainly went far in his little game, and probably enjoyed it more, too. But it's just like their little battle before the SeeD test. Neither of them really won. Even though Squall made it farther, even though Squall ended up winning, even though Squall was the one who defeated the bad guy and won the war, he's no closer to redemption than Seifer.

In fact, he may be worse off. At least Seifer has an excuse; he can claim possession. But all Squall has is what he's been ordered to do, and a life spent following orders may be more damned than one spent ignoring them.

But it's too late to change now, and he doesn't think that emulating Seifer is a good idea, anyway.

He thinks, though, that it must be too late for that as well.  
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(A/N: GAH. I was having _so much _trouble ending this! I feel like it completely fell apart at the end. And I absolutely could not come up with a good enough conclusion. I eventually just gave up. Review!)


End file.
